Tattoo Simplicity: Spiderman Epidemic: Mutant Spidey Kids Appearing Globally

Wall-climbing, web-slinging kiddies’ Spiderman symptoms attributed to outbreak of genetically modified mutant spiders.

A recent outbreak of genetically modified mutant spiders have made their way into homes across the world, infecting small children with super powers, spidey senses and the ability to shoot webbing, climb walls and look awesome in a Spiderman suit.

How do you know if your kid is a Spideyboy?

From a young age they will start wearing Spiderman suits. They will wear these daily, and get upset when mom tries to take it off them for a wash.

This baby Spidey is already exhibiting a tell-tale side effect of the spider venom, as his parent tries to remove the suit. See the fingers curling into a web-shooting pose? Although his web-spinning abilities have not fully formed, the Spidey sense is strong with this one and out of self-defense the little tyke attempts to wrap the offensive adult in a web-cocoon.

You will notice your baby Spiderkid climbing walls, furniture and even large kitchen appliances. These little red and blue menaces may be found hanging from ceiling fans or trees and perching on fence posts as their spidey sense warns them of incoming bad guy vibes.

As their powers grow, you may find them secretively practicing their skills, darting across the garden with super awesome Spiderman moves, while flicking their wrists in an attempt to shoot webbing. Keep domestic animals indoors during this phase.

As your Spider child gets older, he will try to guard his secret identity. You may find him practicing heroic staring into space poses while dramatically tearing off his outer clothing to reveal the Spidey within. Don’t worry. Your child is merely preparing himself for a life of photo shoots and adrenalin-filled movies. It's around this stage that you may also hear your spiderman novice singing show tunes from Spiderman: The Musical.

Even though your Spiderboy is learning to live with a secret identity, he will not have fully developed his disguising abilities yet and can be caught trying out his climbing skills while in undercover mode.

They may start designing their own Spiderman suits, in an attempt to be unique in a world of mini Spideys. This keen attention to detail and love for spandex is a side-effect of their Spidey sense.

It’s a different world now, with many up and coming Spideys. In an attempt to be the one sole Spiderman, your little Spidey may become quite competitive, testing his skills on other Spideyboys. These battles commonly occur between red and black Spideys, and betting on either side is considered bad form.

They will begin to pit their skills against mini baddies. This kid is about to initiate a battle with his little brother, whom he suspects is hiding a bad guy identity beneath his tiny sweater.

Although some parents may feel that this pandemic is a reason for alarm, in a future in which superheroes and supervillians abound, we can rest easy knowing that our friendly neighborhood Spiderboys will be watching over us civilians as we sleep. Possibly clinging to the wall or hanging from a ceiling fan.

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